After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
