Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
