My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
