i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
