I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
