Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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