here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
