I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
