I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
