I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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