it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
