Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
