omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
