I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
organizing the empties. That sober.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
