First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just blew my weed a kiss
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
