I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
