$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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