When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
