let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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