I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
