my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
