I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
