It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
