Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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