Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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