Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
