Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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