he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
