went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
