I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
