so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
