Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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