it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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