My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
