I hate your face
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
