I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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