hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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