If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
