If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
