My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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