grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
