I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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