thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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