I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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