god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
