I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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