The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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