I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
