It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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