Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
