I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
