so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
