so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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