My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
