worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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