I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
